Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
