i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
