Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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