Midget sex pt 2 tonight
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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