The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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