i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
