My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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