my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
