she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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