if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
