after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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