He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Houston, we have a squirter
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
