Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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