remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
