we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
