i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
