What did we do last night that was yellow?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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