he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize