I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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