So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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