Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
