she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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