I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
