the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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