so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
