we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
