If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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