Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I would fuck him just for his dog
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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