i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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