I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
