He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
