I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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