When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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