first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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