It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Let's get the cat blown out
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
