I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize