i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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