quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
