It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
