the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
