My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
