You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
