Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
