Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
