when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
