i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
