no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
