sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
