Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
