i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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