shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
