I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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