So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize