So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
