fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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