my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
